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A little over a week ago, Adam provided us with three great insights for parenting troubled, angry teens. Before reading this article, I encourage you to please read the first article about managing aggressive teens. As a recap, the first three points were

1. The parent should always control themselves.

2. The parent needs to recognize the signs of potential aggressiveness in their teen.

3. If a parent is the source of the problem, they need to remove themselves.

So what does it mean, that a "parent should always control themselves"? It sounds simple and self-explanatory, but isn't there more to this simple truth? Or, am I just missing the point?

Parenting Troubled Teens Requires Parental Self-Control

I asked Adam if he could elaborate on the first point being discussed. I asked questions such as:

1. The parents are the boss, why can't they react to their teen's angry behaviors?

2. What are the repercussions if parents do not control themselves?

3. How can a self-controlled parent calm an aggressive situation with their teen?

So what is the point for parents practicing self control with their angry teen? Some of his answers are as follows. Adam said, "Controlling one's self IS the point. A parent cannot control the actions of their teen. That's an ever common problem. The parent attempts to control the behavior of the teen by making it worse (yelling, aggressive behavior, grounding, belittling, etc).

Behavior modification is most effective when it comes from behavior modeling. In other words, the parent MUST set the tone of the conversation. Realizing that the object is to get through the "moment" in a civil, caring and loving way. Even if the outcome is not desirable. With each "modeled" moment, the teen will see new responses to the ongoing situation.

The situation must be dealt with. In other words, the parent should not run around the issue, rather attack it head on being honest and open, BUT in control of their own emotions."

Parents Cannot Control Their Teens, Even if the Outcome is Not Desirable

The sad truth is that many parents do not control themselves when their troubled teens are acting out. They react, yell, belittle, etc... I'm not talking down to you -the parent- because I know it's next to impossible to control your actions when your angry teen is yelling at you, swearing, threatening, and even physically demolishing your home and belongings.

Really, what parent is perfect in this? None. BUT, with practice and dedication, you CAN learn how to control yourself when your teen is aggressive and out of control.

Your struggling teen WILL see the change in you, and your teen will learn that even though he/she is angry, they don't have to respond aggressively. You cannot control your teen, but you can change your response to one that is loving, caring, and civil.

This isn't easy...we know. But, we encourage you to take these steps in parenting your teen.

1. You cannot control the actions of your teen.

2. You MUST set the tone of the conversation.

3. Your goal is to get through the "moment" in a civil, caring and loving way, even if the outcome is not desirable.

We are here to support you, and if you ever have a question or want a community to talk to other parents about your teen, please join our forum. You are doing a great job, please continue and be encouraged that we are here for you and know what you are going through.



By: Jordan Adams

About the Author:

We’ve been hearing one parenting tip to another. Each and every parenting tip may focus on one aspect of parenthood. A parenting tip may be about raising a toddler, a teen, a gifted child or a difficult child. There is however one other kind of child that should have parents that know a relevant parenting tip— the child of divorced parents. What parenting tip can divorced parents employ to make sure that their kids will be okay?

Protect Your Child First

A straightforward parenting tip is that your child should be your number one priority. This parenting tip implies that even before you decide to get a divorce, you should make sure that your children are safeguarded from parental conflict. Hearing you and your spouse quarrel or making kids feel an impending divorce even before you announce it may make them prone to negative or destructive feelings. Your children may even blame themselves for what is happening. Although your kids may have an idea of the conflict, it is better for them to hear a good explanation from you.

Communicate as a Family

A crucial parenting tip is for you to temporarily put aside your differences with your spouse and decide to come together as a family. It is a useful parenting tip to gather your children, explain to them honestly that you are getting a divorce. Tell them that the situation may be a little sad for all of you but that you are all still going to find a way to lead normal lives. At this point it is crucial for you to listen to your children and encourage them to relay what’s on their minds or ask their questions.

Be Supportive of Your Co-Parent

The most important parenting tip after the divorce is to openly support the idea of co-parenting. Regardless of who gets full custody, be certain that your ex also has equal time and responsibility for your children. Make your kids feel that it is perfectly okay to spend some time with the other parent. The parenting tip on co-parenthood may also mean that you may have to temporarily forget your conflict with your spouse and come together to talk about your children. Communicate with each other the needs and the changes which your kids are undergoing.

Continuously Monitor Your Kids

Even if one parent is far away, a suggested parenting tip is to device a way to both keep your eyes on your kids. Be sensitive to how your kids are behaving. It is a parenting tip to take note of indications that your kid is distressed with the current arrangements. Monitor school performance and peer activities. Continue communicating with your child even though he/she is apparently doing well in school.

Ask For Help When Necessary

If things are going out of hand, a practical parenting tip is to look for professional help. This parenting tip means that you may have to look for counseling options. It may be difficult for you to think about it but a trained counselor may be able to reach out to your child in ways that you may not be aware of. Counseling for you may be beneficial too. Getting in touch with support groups may also be a good idea.



By: Veronica Fisher

About the Author:

"Most children are raised by amateurs, not professionals."

- Bryce's Law

INTRODUCTION

Want to know what to expect of the work force in the years ahead? Look no farther

than our schools or homes. Let me preface my remarks by saying that in addition

to all of my other responsibilities, I was very active in my local Little League for a

number of years where I served as coach, umpire, and on the local board of

directors. Further, I have been very active locally in offering Masonic scholarships to

High School students. In addition, my wife has been active in the local school system

for the last ten years at the elementary, middle, and high school levels (this also

included PTA and SAC). Although we probably won't win an award as the world's

best parents, we made a point of becoming an important and influential part of our

children's lives. We didn't take any special courses in parenting, we just got

involved. But we are the exceptions as opposed to the rule.

Prior to World War II, the country was immersed in an economic depression which

put a strain on families and disrupted our society. Everyone in a family was expected

to pitch in and do their part in order to survive, this included going to school and their

place of worship. Some families suffered severe hardships during this period causing

children to drop out of school and go to work. They didn't drop out as some form

of rebellion or protest, but to simply earn money to help support the family. Consequently,

many earned nothing higher than a Junior High diploma which was prized by many

families. The point is, there was a sense of family back then and the people's hunger

built character. They understood the value of a dollar, worked hard and squandered

nothing. It was this generation that got us through the war and propelled the country

towards economic success in the latter part of the 20th century.

In the 1950's and 1960's, as the country was experiencing an economic boom, a parent

normally stayed at home to manage the family, usually the wife. If a child

had a problem, a parent was always home to tend to their needs. Children no longer

had to drop out of school to support the family and our High Schools and Colleges

swelled with students. The "baby boomers" were considered well adjusted

and readily adapted to the work force. This generation saw us through the space

race and the technology revolution which changed the face of corporate America.

But in the last three decades, we began to lose faith in our economy and our

standard of living. As a result, both parents began to work inordinate hours and a

generation gap began to emerge. Exhausted by their work, the parents

would return home where the last thing they wanted to hear was their child's

problems. Consequently, children became social outcasts in their own homes and

often had to fend for themselves; they simply couldn't relate with their parents. Sure,

the parents would sign their kids up for Summer Camp, Little League and Soccer, but

this was viewed more as baby-sitting services as opposed to taking a true interest in

the child's development. They would also give their kids television sets and video games

to occupy their time.

Today, school teachers have become surrogate parents by default, something

they weren't trained for, nor inclined to accept. Talk to a teacher and you will hear

stories of lack of respect for authority, poor manners, and dysfunctional social

intercourse. Children today no longer learn their values from their parents

but rather from Hollywood. As young adults entering the work force, their work

ethic, values, and behavior are noticeably different than the prior generation. There

is no longer a sense of quality, service, or craftsmanship; just put in your time and

collect a paycheck. This is all having an adverse effect on how we conduct

business and the corporate culture.

Now, let me give you a the scary figure: probably 20%, or less, of today's

graduating High School seniors are socially well adjusted.

Knowing this, what should you do as a manager?

THE NEED FOR PARENTING

In the past, if you were a new employee, it was assumed you knew how to manage

your personal life and you were expected to adapt to the corporate culture. This

is no longer true and presents a problem for managers. Younger employees today

have problems managing money, dressing appropriately, and interpersonal relations

and communications, not to mention alcohol, drugs, and ***. They are raw and rough. But

are they salvageable? They better be, for your company's sake, as they represent

tomorrow's work force.

Perhaps we can take a lesson from the military services here. The military is

well aware they are not getting the "cream of the crop" when they take on new

recruits. Many are social misfits coming from broken homes. As such, the

military's initial role is to break the individual of bad habits and impose a new

system of discipline and work ethic. Individualism is replaced by teamwork and,

in the process, a sense of belonging and family is imposed. This is either readily

accepted by the new recruit or they are drummed out of the service. Discipline,

organization, teamwork, and a strong work ethic can have a dramatic affect on a

drifting soul. By doing so, it can bring order to lives and a sense of purpose,

something that perhaps was neglected at home.

Today's Drill Instructors and junior officers also find themselves as surrogate parents

and are now instructed in counseling young soldiers. The boot camps of today are

a lot different than what the country experienced during World War II, Korea, and

Viet Nam. Yet, we are producing a fine class of soldiers which makes our country

proud. In other words, they must be doing something right.

If we have learned anything from the military in this regard, it is that the

times have changed and our employees today have different needs requiring

a new type of manager who can adequately tend to them. And like today's

Drill Instructors and school teachers, managers are finding themselves in the

role of surrogate parents, like it or not. Managers bristle at this notion. After all,

they want to get on with their business and do not want to be regarded as a

baby-sitter. But the fact remains, home parenting skills are at an all-time low

and to overcome this problem, someone has to assume the duty to compensate

for this inadequacy. Again, the military readily understands this and has adapted

accordingly. But can business?

Understand this, corporate America's "recruits" come predominantly from the

colleges and universities whose purpose is not to teach social skills, but rather,

to teach people how to learn. A college diploma most definitely does not

mean the graduate is socially well-adjusted, but that he/she has learned to study

and accept new ideas. If anything, the student's extracurricular activities tell

more about a person's personality than the degree itself. For example, participation

in team sports, club activities, or Greek life speaks volumes about a person's

personality and social skills.

PAST EFFORTS

In the past, new corporate recruits underwent special training programs to learn how

the company conducts business. Sales people in particular had to undergo rigorous

training to learn how to present products and care for the customers. Workmen

underwent training to learn how to build quality products. However, such programs

have been slashed in recent times as a means for cutting costs (and will be the subject

of a future paper).

There was also a period where mentors were assigned to new employees to chaperone

them on their journey through the corporate world. Mentors were basically a

"Big Brother/Sister" program where senior employees would offer sage advice

to neophytes on adapting to the corporate world. But like the training programs,

mentoring is also being phased out.

Although mentoring and training programs were intended to develop the employee's

skills and effectiveness from a corporate perspective, neither dwelled on the personal

problems of the employee.

Now that new employees are left to fend for themselves, a generation gap is emerging

in business. Managers from just about every job segment are frustrated with new

employees, and, likewise, new employees are frustrated with management. Whereas

managers lament how little is accomplished by new employees, new employees

complain how much time they are putting in at work. This highlights a significant

difference between the generations: whereas the new employees are watching the

clock, the managers are watching what is produced. The two are not synonymous,

but nobody has taught the young employees this yet. To the "newbies," their time is

what is important, regardless if they produce anything worthwhile or not; to the manager,

it is just the opposite. Also, young people believe calling in sick is an acceptable form of

behavior. Where did they learn all this? On their own. It is a sad state of affairs when

the media has more influence over the values of our children than parents do. But

when adults abdicate parenting to the media, it is not entirely surprising.

So, what is needed? More training? Mentoring? Nope. Just some parenting. The sooner

corporations realize this, the sooner they can begin to develop mature and responsible

employees. Again, this is why the military now teaches its Drill Instructors basic

counseling techniques, so they can help new recruits find their way through life and become

a good soldier. It is most definitely not "baby-sitting" but, rather, a recognition that parents

have dropped the ball in their child's development and someone has to pick up the

pieces in order for the newbie to realize their potential.

I do not claim to have a Ph.D. in parenting, but as I see it there are three primary

duties a parent needs to inculcate:



Role Model - first, a parent has to be a good role model with attributes their subordinates

want to aspire to attain. Role models are respected for their authority and become

a highly credible source of information and inspiration,



Teacher - second, a parent has to be able to teach, not just academic lessons but

those of life; e.g., morality, socialization, even finances (e.g., balancing a

checkbook, life insurance, etc.). It is the teacher who establishes the rules and

regulations of the classroom and, as such, is also the disciplinarian.



Guidance Counselor - third, parenting includes guiding others on their path through

life, explaining options and making recommendations.



Very important, a parent has to recognize they won't have all of the answers, but

should know how to point someone in the right direction to get the answers they need.

Above all else, a parent has to care about the welfare of their offspring. I am not

suggesting corporate parents love their children like biological parents, but they

need to invest time in the person, believe in the person, and motivate them

accordingly, whether through kindness or a good swift kick in the rear. The

corporate parent has to also know when their work is complete and allow the

offspring to move on to the next stage of their corporate life.

The military has the advantage of written contracts and boot camps to

indoctrinate new recruits. Perhaps a corporate boot camp could be devised

and teach the same lessons as found in the military, such as:



Cause and effect, e.g., if you make a mistake, you know you will be penalized accordingly.



The value of good workmanship and its impact on others.



How to give and take an order.



Discipline and code of conduct.



Teamwork.



CONCLUSION

Companies today are at a loss coping with the newest generation of

workers. What they don't realize is, it will get worse before it gets better. Since

most biological parents are content with allowing others to teach their children

the necessary values in life, teachers, the military and corporations are forced to

pick up the slack, like it or not. The sooner we admit this, the sooner we can address

how to remedy the situation. Whether this involves one-on-one counseling or a

boot camp type of environment, something has to be done to teach our newest wave

of workers the proper values to succeed in business and in life.

Let me leave you with a real-life story on parenting in the workplace. Some time

ago I was visiting with a CIO in Columbus, Ohio who took me on a tour of

his facility. Along the way, we happened upon a young programmer who

was new to the company. Frankly, he looked a little wet behind the ears and

had long hair over his collar. After the CIO introduced me to the young man, he

instructed him to go get a haircut. The young programmer, shot back

indignantly, "You can't say that to me!"

The CIO turned calmly but deliberately to the programmer, and said,

"Yes I can. Watch," then pointing to his mouth, "Get a haircut. Now!"

The programmer backed down and, to his credit, dutifully got a haircut.

I had just witnessed a little "Parenting Management" in action. The CIO

exercised his authority and had quickly instructed the newbie on one

of the rules to be observed in the workplace. The programmer's biological

parents hadn't instructed him properly, now it defaulted to his corporate

parent.

"Parenting Management" - Just remember, you heard it here first.



By: Tim Bryce

About the Author:

Hester Prynne, the protagonist of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter, challenged continuously on a daily basis about whether her parental rights revoked and her illegitimate child fostered. Absent of a husband figure and, in the eye of the public, holding a derogatory view, she was seen as not only unable to care for her offspring but also as an inferior roll-model. Similarly, parents today suffer the same dismal fate that Hester Prynne, from Nathaniel Hawthorne’s book The Scarlet Letter, endured subsequent to the Puritans prosecuting her for conceiving an illegitimate child.

Sense the conception of Parental Rights: All of the legal rights, and the corresponding legal obligations, that go along with being the parent of a child, which include: the right to legal and physical custody of the child, the right to physical access or visitation with the child, the right to inherit property from the child and to have the child inherit property from the parent, the right to consent to medical care and treatment for the child, the right to consent to the marriage of the child or its enlistment in military service, the ability to contract on behalf of the child, the obligation to provide financial support for the child, the responsibility to provide a legal defense of the child in legal proceedings, the obligation to care for, direct and supervise the child, the obligation to be legally liable for certain damages caused by the child, the obligation to see that the child attends school, and the obligation to protect the child and provide a safe living environment for the child (Adoption.com). its foundation has held strong providing the much needed attention and protection for our ambitious, future-leaders. With the recent uproar and government involvement in Parental Rights, with it arrived more control over who can have a family and how they may rear their youth. Under this Parental Rights theory, families with trivial plights are found estranged and with this theory, court cases inaugurated upon an unmerited foundation.

Unnecessary division of children from their parents may result from particular Parental Rights cases. Indeed the purpose of Parental Rights revolves around checking whether their parents are creditable then taking recourse to separation once the parents are deemed undeserving and failing to take corrective action (psychologyinfo.com); none-the-less, various cases may lack important proof; perhaps even false facts that present themselves to the case’s workforce. Though a “process of involuntarily taking away the parental rights of a parent that has abandoned a child, has without just cause failed to support a child, has neglected or abused a child, has stood by and allowed others to neglect or abuse a child, or who because of extended incarceration in prison, will be unavailable to properly parent or nurture the child during its formative years” (adoption.com), better identified as “Severance of Parental Rights”, states entitle the right to legally separate child and guardian if said conditions fail to be met. On-the-other-hand, Severance of Parental Rights falls short on covering what happens with parents that earnestly take the endeavor improving their lifestyle for their children, but nonetheless, do not make the grade; the legal action at this moment rests in the state’s jurisdiction without a respectable guiding standard.

With an underpinning based upon the salvation of maltreated children, Parental Rights assembles our nation together to battle this calamity. However, Parental Rights progress beyond maltreated children supporting parents who wish to place their children up for adoption and consequencely, facilitate in the quest of finding children to adopt (Adoption.com). Two ways for a child to be adopted have sprung forth: Severance of Parental Rights and Relinquishment: “In the context of adoption, this term generally refers to a birthparent voluntarily giving up his or her parental rights to a child, so that someone else can adopt it. In practice it generally refers to these parental rights being transferred to an agency, rather than directly to the new adoptive parents, so that the agency can maintain the level of confidentiality or privacy that the parties desire and have agreed to in the adoption. The agency then passes the parental rights on to the adoptive parents who adopt the child” (Adoption.com).

The loss of loved ones seizes a toll on peoples’ hearts. Broods affected by the injury of the termination of their parents’ parental rights suffer an equivalent toll. Children and adolescents who lose their parents because of a termination of parental rights (TPR) may respond with a variety of coping strategies, some of which may not promote good mental health (cbexpress.acf.hhs.gov). Accordingly the decision to revoke the parental rights of the guardians in fact – mentally - mistreats the child in itself. Furthermore, the parents endure stages of woe which is amplified by the pain of their children (adoption.about.com).

What seems right for children ought to be forefront in the protection of them; however, the outcomes from the assessment must be considered. Termination of parental rights must not be abolished; none-the-less, it should be revised to additionally compute the harm done to the family.



By: David Branco

About the Author:

skipabeat asked:


Need to come up w/ a parenting plan for the 3 kiddos. Father of the 2 & a child who has been w/ the man for 8yrs. I want some ideas please,for the best interest of the children.