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Separated parents may take issue with each other if there are any differences in parenting style, expectations or structure.

However, while consistency of parenting style, expectations and structure are helpful they are not rigidly required. Even among intact families there can be remarkable differences between the parents yet the children are not harmed by the experience. Other evidence that children are not necessarily harmed by differences in style, expectations or structure comes by looking at the normal course of children’s lives in areas other than home life.

When not at home, children may be subject to the care of alternate care providers, schoolteachers, baby sitters, coaches and instructors. Suffice it to say; virtually all children learn to differentiate the styles, expectations and structures imposed by all these different people and situations and thrive. Hence children learn to run during soccer, yet walk on the deck at the swimming pool. Whereas in one class they may be required to sit quietly, in another they may be allowed to ask questions directly of the teacher. Therefore different teachers will impose a variety of expectations and children learn to differentiate between them and manage accordingly. The only way a problem would develop is if one teacher demands of the children that they follow the same rules in the other teacher’s class as their own.

As parental differences become known, some parents may seek to use these differences as cause for limiting the other parent’s relationship, influence or time with the child or may seek to impose their style, expectations and structure, or way of doing things on the other parent.

Parents need to appreciate they can have different styles, expectations and structure, as does virtually every teacher have their own way of managing a classroom. Assuming a parent’s behaviour is not lawless or abusive and the child progresses developmentally appropriately, different parental styles, expectations and structure can actually benefit the child as the child learns to adapt and manage a variety of situations.

With regard to child development, it is usually not parental differences that is harmful to children, but rather conflict between parents over their differences. Children can adapt to parents’ differences but being drawn into their conflict is distressing and distracting.

Parents who are distressed over their differences are advised to determine if the differences are truly significant or just irksome to themselves before raising objections. If the child is perturbed by parental differences and brings issue from one parent to the other, it can be advisable to redirect the child back to the other parent to discuss the issue directly. In so doing, the child learns to communicate their concerns directly and parents maintain a more appropriate boundary between themselves. This is in much the same way as one teacher wouldn’t take on the issues of another teacher, but would redirect the student to deal directly with the other teacher.

Given the opportunity most parents appreciate being able to manage their own relationship with their children without intrusion. If a parent looks unreasonable, it may be that they are just annoyed for having their style, expectations and structure dictated by the other parent. Parents are advised to be certain parental differences are truly problematic before taking issue. If unsure, parents are advised to consider obtaining guidance from a parenting expert with expertise working with separated parents.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.com

http://www.yoursocialworker.com



By: Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

About the Author:

mrs. Vee asked:


What aspects of parenting are linked with the development of young children? What effect do you think that different parenting styles have on a childs development?

Live, Love, Dance!!! asked:


Is there any lesson from your parents that you are passing on to your children? Please give your best parenting tips.

CullensAbcs asked:

Cullen's abc's www.cullensabcs.com creates free preschool videos to support children's development at home and in the classroom. Find more free preschool videos at our website! Here are some tips on using songs and cheers to make clean up a bit more fun. Overall teaching tips are for helping you with certain situations that occur with your child.

Many parents may not be aware of what it takes to be an intentional parent. Of course, parenting is an ongoing process that teaches parents new things each day and leaves much more that needs to be learnt before they become a good parent. With their busy schedules, it is hard enough for them to be a good parent and intentional parenting may seem quite daunting and unattainable at first.

Not Necessarily Perfect Parenting

Intentional parenting may not be perfect parenting; instead, it refers to a parent that has mentally determined that some action or result related to parenting need to be performed. In other words, the intentional parent is an "on purpose" parent. Parents often tend to react to their children rather than have a plan that they have prepared in advance. This is a tendency that parents readily acknowledge, but do little about.

Some reasons that contribute to intentional parenting being difficult to achieve are vision, know-how and accountability. Furthermore, the biggest obstacle to intentional parenting begins in the mind - there may not be enough time for contemplating what hangs in the balance. In other words, parents often fail to realize what can be gained and what is lost if they do not invest in their children through intentional parenting.

Lack of know-how is another challenge facing parents. Parents will often be at a loss to visualize what intentional parenting looks and feels like, and what it all about is. This means that parents' lack a plan of action and it can be compared to driving in a foreign country without a map for guidance. To get over this shortcoming, parents need to read, research, and utilize resources to get started on the road to intentional parenting. It may even necessitate changing their strategy and approach towards the child.

After developing the vision and plan of action, there is still the task of implementing the intentional parenting concept. Being accountable is a good first step in this direction because when the parent deviates from the path of intentional parenting and may be slipping, accountability will enable the parent to get back on course and escape the mistake of falling out of habit.

With all these well meaning thoughts and ideas in place, it only remains to act with energy and time which, for busy parents, seems to be always in short supply. Nevertheless, with courage one can become a good parent. Every parent should be able to muster up enough courage and take the intentional parenting path, to achieve betterment of both child and parent.



By: Ann Marier

About the Author:

Lois Griffin asked:


Why is it that the law requires people to take parenting classes before they become a foster parent, but..
When a couple is expecting a biological child, the law doesn't require them to take any classes.

That sounds one-sided to me; shouldn't all soon-to-be-parents be held to the same standards?
Why are temporary parents required to do stuff that permanent parents dont have to do?
I would think that permanent parents should have higher standards.
Why do the temporary parents have higher standards?

sillygirl asked:


My boyfriend will tell his two girls to do something or there will be a new rule put forward then the next weekend, its like it never happened? What is the deal? It drives me crazy! I dont know how to approach this with out it sounding like i am critizing his parenting. ( i dont have any of my own ) That and I plainly dont understand why he does it. I know that this could potentionally lead into other issues !!??